Reasons to go on: Poems, part 3

Reason to go on: Guilt Fragment see how she glimmers thin sliver of light, she smiles out my name answers cries to unite; she winks through the rainbow shares secrets so sweet plays the game to perfection; till we’re ready to meet. she touches my mind caresses my soul kisses my skin: we are ready to roll; she’s teasing my flesh and preparing to maim, she’s ready for union and easing my pain; she enters my body sets life juices free, we’re becoming blood sisters: there’s freedom for me. Note: a poem about the need for and pleasure of self-harm Good Riddancea series of short verses about being ‘just never good enough’ If I should die before I wake – that’s fine by me In my head, in my bed, at my place, in your face, at about now, dirty cow, let’s end it all, shout ‘last call’. Time gen’men, please. Where are you when I need you? SHUT UP!!!

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When the struggle is brushing unbearable, part 2

Reason to go on: External Pressures Urged by family and school I applied for a place at Uni and even my psychiatrist thought university would ‘do me good’. One day I was on a hospital ward in Essex, the next I was being driven to the digs in Glasgow someone had arranged for me.Two more days and I was at Strathclyde Uni getting my student card. I went to lectures, tutorials, the cafeteria, the library – alone. I rarely spoke except to answer direct questions.By January I was in a Glasgow hospital, being treated with Largactil syrup (given for psychoses like schizophrenia, psychotic depression), and having ECT. University had hurled me into a maelstrom with no safety line and three months on I was back home, and back in our local hospital. Over the next two and a half years, driven by wanting cash and my family’s belief that I needed help to get a ‘normal life’, I went for

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