Reasons to go on: Poems, part 1

Reason to go on: Fear Lurking in my HeadWho’s that lurking in my head recounting what I do describing minute, hour, day what to think, what to say; you to me; me to you what you thought, what you said spewing lies and fearful dread, Who’s that lurking in my head? Creating My SelfI have…

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When the struggle is brushing unbearable, part 3

Reason to go on: Bloody-mindedness Wanting to be back teaching but without the relentless pressures I’d had in my last post, I applied for positions with little responsibility outside my classroom. Even so, I only managed 12 months. In my second post the bullying by senior colleagues, over just one term, pushed me to the…

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When the struggle is brushing unbearable, part 2

Reason to go on: External Pressures Urged by family and school I applied for a place at Uni and even my psychiatrist thought university would ‘do me good’. One day I was on a hospital ward in Essex, the next I was being driven to the digs in Glasgow someone had arranged for me.Two more…

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When the struggle is brushing unbearable …

what makes us go on? Fear? External pressures? Money? Guilt? Bloody-mindedness? Survival? While the answer will depend on the person and the situation, the bottom line is – we have to.The luxury of ‘not having to’ is so often dependent on also having the luxuries of autonomy and choice that most of us cannot conceive.…

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Vanity. Is it a matter of survival?

I am making a photo montage for our Family Gallery, something I enjoy and consider time well spent. This one is all about my husband and me over our years together. This morning my husband asked me to remove an 80s photo of him in which he’s wearing tracksuit and white trainers. His reason –…

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Feelings of dread. Not the same as feeling dreadful.

I love words. Thinking about meanings. Considering past meanings. But right now I just don’t care. I am stuck with terrible feelings of dread and it’s going on and on and on. Feelings of impending doom. Thoughts about imminent death. My mind can’t take much more. So I thought I’d write about it. Try to…

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