Reasons to go on: Poems, part 1

Reason to go on: Fear

Lurking in my Head
Who’s that lurking in my head
recounting what I do
describing minute, hour, day
what to think, what to say;
you to me; me to you
what you thought, what you said
spewing lies and fearful dread,
Who’s that lurking in my head?

Creating My Self
I have to be creative, or what is there of me?
A skull without a mind inside, a skin without a soul;
An outer casing clocked on “empty”, a life that isn’t whole.
And so I keep creating a “me” that all can see.

Head block
Music in the head
blocks the sounds I dread
activity for hand and eye
thwarts plans of trying to die
busy-ness of mind
keeps thoughts away unkind.

Darkest hours
In the darkest hours
my deceptive coverlet
makes its unremitting descent.
Honeycomb light
it stifles my senses,
Concrete hard
it crushes my spirit.
Strength sapped
my mind cannot move it,
Only sleep,
deep and protective,
brings peace.
Note: this is about a recurring nightmare that I had from early childhood into adulthood; it never recurred after I had committed these words to paper, perhaps exorcising my demons; the feeling/sensation overwhelmed me as I drifted off to sleep, and I wondered if it drew on memories of being in the womb’s soft cavity surrounded by honeycomb bone that was unyielding to my fragile embryonic hands and feet. Mostly I would pray for sleep to release me but sometimes I would will the terror to visit me.

Alphabet life
Away,
bleakly comic
defect!
Every fantasy
gone;
hidden
in ju-ju karma:
liberated
madam.
Never
object!
Pain?
Quality release;
strict
therapy
unlocking
voices;
warnings!
X-rated –
you’re
zero.

Being creative is the mainstay of my life, and poetry, prose, and photography is where I express my deepest emotions. I also enjoy the challenge of design and create jewellery, fabric bags, and garments and home items in yarn. Diagnosed with ASD at the age of 68 after fifty years in and out of the mental health system, I now aim to explore and share my experiences over these years. Apart from blogs and short articles I'll share my life in my verse and images.

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